I desire a well trained ear, fine-tuned into his station. It frustrates me that it is as tough as it is right now, a time of straining to hear him and at times believe in him. Why should it be such a struggle for a believer to learn the voice of his God? Do I not know Him? Love Him? Testify to Him? Frustration leads to doubt – doubt that I or anyone really hears from God. It leads to a hard heart – I refuse to be moved by any voice or thought or word.
I wait. I set aside hours to be before the Lord. I continue to fight my fears and frustrations. I have searched out several avenues for intimacy with Him – deliverance from demons, silence before him, praying to be filled with the Holy Spirit, ministering to the homeless, doing a mission trip – and find that all bring fruit, but they aren’t him.
But while I don’t have the quiet time I want, I do have quite a bit of strength to garden. To plant. To cultivate. I’m growing four pots of herbs right now. Thyme, Spearmint, Calendula, and Lavender. My roommate took over watering them when I was romping around Guatemala. He loves giving lots of water. But as it were, having sprouted 3 weeks ago, these herbs have not grown much. I reckon it’s an overwatering problem. In my mind’s eye, in waterful abundance, the plants have no need for their roots to go deep and become well established. So I have taken over of watering them again.
There is a time for a seedling to receive a ton of water in order to sprout, but shortly thereafter there is a need for its roots to go much deeper if it is to grow into an abounding pant, bearing flowers and fruit.
I guess I thought I had already been well established, that my roots were already deep in the Lord. I didn’t think it was possible to revert to the sprout stage of the Christian walk. That’s the heart of my struggle, most of what I’m experiencing and what I have experienced, I never thought possible. I have no framework for how I’ve gotten where I am nor for what I’m experiencing while I am here – that being such a deep radio silence from the Lord.
Yet here I am.
Ah but I know it’s not the same. Maybe he has transplanted me and I must reestablish roots. Or maybe I am simply getting a major pruning while going through a crazy drought, seeking to establish roots in some tough Texas soil.
For the record: A grateful heart helps in times like this.
